Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
