Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I am naked and annoyed.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
