I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
