I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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