i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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