Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
