You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
