you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
True strength comes from lack of pants
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
