Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
