I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
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