I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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