I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize