No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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