You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Boobs speak an international language.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
