Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize