my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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