Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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