I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
