my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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