I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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