Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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