I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
