WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
