So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize