he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
