You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
