the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
