textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
