i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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