the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
