just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
