How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
