After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
