so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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