worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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