Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
So many bounce houses so little time
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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