she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize