I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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