There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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