I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
