i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
birth control should be required to get into college
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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