but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize