I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
