I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
