Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
