I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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