I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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