3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
