You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize