Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Randomize
