i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
