I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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