I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
