You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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