Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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