Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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