I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
