Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
