Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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