so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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