There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
