I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
