um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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