She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Randomize
