I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
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