I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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