He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
