I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
