how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
