I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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