My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
